Bike 4 Chai

It`s been almost a month since Mark left. Hectic is an understatement of what`s going on in the office. I am running around like a chicken without a head. I am trying to figure out if we are busier than usual or is because we are down a guy.

One problem is tonight is Bike 4 Chai. I signed up for this a few months ago, I feel awful taking off from work now to do this. I have no choice though I signed up for this a while ago, I solicited money from so many people I can`t not do it.

The worst thing is I feel awful leaving Frum Mother for a night, the second night, tomorrow, I am for sure coming home. Tonight though is the registration, and explanation of all the rules. I have no choice but to go.

I guess I just need to be positive and do it, and hope it all works out, But leaving the family is just making me want to cancel the whole thing. I am sick to my stomach

Mark is gone

I just walked into the office and just feel like crying I don`t think I ever felt so down before for such a long time. I know I will get over this stump, but I`m not sure if I even want to.
Today is Wednesday morning July 10, 2013. I am so happy for Mark that he got his new position and he is moving on with his life. It will be a hard transition for him, missing his family and all, but it`s the right thing for him to do. That leaves just me and Totty at Regal. Totty has really been giving it his all this last few moths. We are getting some people interested in prices, but no real orders just yet. We decided to keep on plugging at it until Jan. 1, 2014 at which time we will reassess where Regal Kitchens is holding.
Do I really want to continue here, in a way I feel so burnt out. My dream is to move out of town, away fro family, get a new job, in a new field and start over. As much as I love working for my father, and with my father, I think it`s time I move on.
For now I am here trying to give it my all, but I have to do so much that I am not capable of, and that is scaring me. I have never felt this nervous or scared before. Frum mother is really being there for me, really being encouraging and helping where she can, even though for her it`s not to easy with training in new people at her office, as well, as being pregnant. I don`t hink I would be able to do it without her, No, I know I won`t be able to do it without her, her loving and caring and really being there just to give me a smile or kiss when I need it most is more than anything else I need right now. The kids beong as cute as they are. I feel bad that my temper has somewhat increased, and they feel the brunt of it. How do I fix myself? Will switching jobs help that? Or is that something I need to fix on my own.
Please Hashem help guide me in the right path, but please help that whatever it is, I am there for my family in a loving, caring, way that a father and husband should be, and I should not turn into a depressed loner, and not being able to contribute at home.
As far as Parnossah goes, I don` t want to be rich. I just want to be able to pay for tuition in full, pay my maaser, and live in a place that's big enough for the family, weather it`s renting or owning.
Until the next time, Thanks for listening to my rant.

Really deserved it this time

It seems the only time I actually end up writing here is when I am really down. As you can tell writing is not my thing, and I am definitely not doing this to become a blogger, I guess you can say this is my own personal diary, where I can write my feelings.
So this past Shabbos, we went over to my fathers house Friday night for dessert, both my Brother-in-laws were there. We got into the topic of the latest Internet Asifah, and child Molesting. It got pretty heated for me trying to explain my opinions on the matter. The next day at Sholesh Seudas our good friends the "F" family came over and the same topic came up. I totally lost it, when they could not understand how bad the child molestation issue is in the frum community, and how the leaders think that the internet is a bigger issue. I lost it so bad to the oint where I cursed in front of them, and our kids.
I really did not know what to do, I had just taken this to a whole new level I could no control myself, after driving them home Motsai Shabbos. I had a alk with the wife, I explained to her my issues, I think she somewhat agreed with me, she then dropped the bomb, that I knew was coming and definitely deserve, "SHAPE UP", I can`t take it anymore.
She wants me to go speak to someone, she wants me to start bringing some more yiddishkeit into the house, she wants for me to to put any of my rants into the kids head, or even advertise it, she get`s embarrassed.

1. Now I can`t really blame her for being upset at me that I don`t learn anymore. Don`t really have an excuse for that. I have to get my act together and figure out, what do I want to learn, and who do I want to do it with.
2. She wants me to start making the Shabbos table more shabbosdeik with zmerios and dvar torah. That`s definitely up there on mine as well, and should start doing it.
3. Not to say the things about some rabbi`s I say in front of the kids even if I say them in a nice derech eretz way. I hear and understand that, may not agree, but I know where she is coming from, and probably right anyways.
4. Not to talk about any of this stuff even with other adults. That I totally disagree with, however, I think because I am in the minority of thinking this way, and she does not like being looked at that way, I think it`s something I should listen to.
5. The wife doesn`t even want me to read any of the blogs that discuss this stuff. Now I have to admit, that doing so, would probably make number 4 harder to keep.

To top it all off, you can imagine what our relationship and communication was like since then. In theory I am ready to say okay I will do everything you want just please start talking me to again. There is no words to explain how much I love her, and how much it hurts to see her in this pain, especially since I was the culprit. I wish this whole thing never would have happened. I wish we could be happy again together. 
So here is where I am holding:

1. I have not read any of those blogs this week at all. I hope to stay that way, but I hav to admit it`s probably the biggest Yetzer Horah out of all these things.
2. I don't want to discuss these things anymore period, and that includes anything negative about Rabbis. Last night I started listening to some of the speeches form the Flatbush Asifah.
3. I want to find some sort of Shabbos book for the kids that i can read at the table so they can understand what`s going on as well.
4.  Short term the hardest thing will be figuring what to learn and with who. I don`t expect to have that worked out or at least a week or so. 

My biggest issue is how to reignite our relationship, I don't` know if she is doing this on purpose to show me how hurt she is, or she really doesn`t want anything to do with me, but I am really going out of my mind, I need her, as a family we all need each other on the same page.

The only thing I can really add is I`m sorry and hope we don`t have to go thru this again, and I am able to fulfill your wishes.

What did I say wrong?

I just got back from Lakewood we went down for a vort. The wife brings up the discussion about having kids, I state my opinion how I dont think either f us can handle it. And how we need to get our act together and start preparing stuff the nught before, if you comer home from work late, and etc. I thought the conversation went pretty well. This conversation took place on the way to the vort. On the eway home she is all of a sudden quite qnd barely talking to me, even as I sit in bed typing this, I say good night she is barely responding, I don't know why, and just wish this would be over. In would venture to say this is one of the worst feelings in the world. Please help.

If you incite hatred in the name of the Torah....

It`s been over 6 months since I wrote, and even before then I was not much of a writer, but I definitely do feel the need to write once in a while, but just be lazy.

I read a blog post yesterday where the guest blogger wrote something so powerful that it really hit home by me, and I quote "If you incite hatred in the name of the Torah because of your fear of change, you are a menuval."

This to me in my humble opinion is why Moshiach is not coming, all fighting in Klal Yisroel in my opinion stems from this. It all boils down to "You are not frum enough for me", because you cant interpret the Torah properly. You are not as good as me....

Don`t know what happened to the saying "Live and let live"

Thank You for Listening

Memories

It's been a while since I wrote, first it was the Yomim Tovim, then work, then life and just trying to survive. Here I am sitting in the parking lot of my office typing on my Black Berry at 5:45 AM. Why you ask. I had to make an early morning run to the city, it's 45 minutes till Shacharis, so I'm going through some emails, when I got a notice about another blog I follow, wrote a post about her husband being in Yeshiva, Rabbi asking the place, and him obviously not knowing. Those things are so clear in my head. Literally De Javo. I feel as if she was writing my blog post. Sitting and day dreaming, every word the Rebbi saying is just a Blur. Counting down the minutes, till the next break, but for what. Break comes, and I'm from the few kids in my class that would not get picked to play in the class game. I had 2 left hands when it came to sports. In the younger grades especially I remember just being bullied sometimes. And there I was waiting for break to be over and class to start again. I couldn't stand being around my classmates. This went on and on until maybe middle school, when I took a new stand someone hits me I hit back, and harder. Until my classmates realized I meant business, I'm not your personal punching bag.

Spending time with family

Rosh Hashonah came and went so fast i`m not sure what happened. I know that`s hard top believe since it was a three day yom tov, but what can I say. I really enjoyed being home with the family, we even had company. The wife made great food, davening I think went pretty OK. I have to say my favorite part was the first night when our company ate out, it was just the wife my three your old and myself, we absolutely loved it. For me there is no better way to spend my time than with the people I love most. I look forward to doing it again. So until the next time Gut Yom Tov.